February is here, and Pete will be over in exactly two weeks time. I've spoken to him on the phone loads, and all I can feel is trepidation... supposing this won't work? Supposing he'll get here and we'll just spend all that time frustrating each other? Supposing we don't work together as a couple, or it all feels wrong?

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal out of this. Another issue is that there's so little going on in my life right now that I don't have anything to distract me from the whole idea, so I have to wonder if I'm blowing this up a lot more than I should be.

So... *sighs*... maybe I should just relax and enjoy this, whatever happens.

And yup, I know I promised to put some pics of myself up, but I can't find what I've done with the camera lead. I'll do it soon, I swear.

The problem about coming back from your travels abroad and trying to live a normal life again is that it's like coming down off hard drugs - everything seems crap in comparison. And on top of that, there are loads of old friends of mine out there who I know have forgotten all about me. They were never good friends, sure, but it still hurts a bit when I ring a number and get told "Yes! We must meet up soon!" then never hear from them again.

It's my own fault, partly. I was never brilliant at staying in touch with people whilst I was abroad, partly because it's hard work - different timezones, internet cafes, that kind of thing - and partly because my head was (literally and metaphorically) in other places. So I don't blame anyone. But it does make the evenings really boring and lonely sometimes.

I've started going out for drinks with Sarah, a workfriend of mine. She's a lot older than me, but she's recently divorced and I think she's in the same boat for a different set of reasons. The first time we went out we got wildly drunk, and she told me not to get too wrapped up in the long-distance relationship I seemed to be building with Pete, because she said "no relationship is worth that amount of effort - they can collapse at any time, so if you meet anyone else closer to home between now and February, just take the easy option. Don't put so much faith in something that's so difficult".

She might be right. He needs to dip his toes in the water first, I know, but Pete, for all his lovey-dovey enthusiasm, is being quite distant now. He says it's because he doesn't want to build everything up too much until we're face to face and know what we're doing, but I'm beginning to wonder if he's being entirely straight with me. Was he drunk when he spoke to me on messenger first time? I'm really starting to wonder. And I haven't met anyone else "suitable" yet, but the last thing I'd want to do is mess him around when I know he's booked expensive plane tickets just to see me.

This will resolve itself. I know that. I'll just have to get January out of the way first.

Well, if I'm going to make good on my resolution to keep this thing updated I've got my work cut out, haven't I!

Better bullet-point everything that's happened, because there's no way I can do a proper entry going into depth about everything:

* I got a temp job in Brighton working on reception for a firm of surveyors. It's not at all well paid and certainly won't do forever, but it means i can sort out the horrible state of my bank balance at least a bit. The people there are actually really dull, and my co-worker is a woman called Sarah who has been doing the job for twenty years and seems to hate it. It's a tiny office of nine or ten people, so there's not much hope I haven't found out about anyone's hidden depths yet.

* I saw loads of old mates over Christmas which was really great. Managed to bump into my horrible ex Graham but we managed to have a conversation without any unpleasantness and without him flirting with me, which was a plus. Or was it?! I could be insulted I suppose.

* New Years Eve was spent with a lot of old friends - I ended up at some house party in Brighton (again) and had a great time. I can't remember much of it, but I do remember kissing someone by midnight, and he was nice with a capital "n". So I didn't let myself down. Or maybe I did. And my nose was actually semi-alright that night, so I was able to smooch properly without continually coming up for deep breaths. Sorry, are you sick of hearing about my nasal passages? I'm sick of dealing with them in all honesty. (I'm almost embarrassed about telling you this, but once when I had a cold YEARS back I was kissing a boyfriend of mine and he said "Oh God, that's really nice". I asked him why and he said "You giving me quick kissese and breathing soft warm breath on to my lips". He thought I was doing it to seduce him by breathing that way! Ha! I didn't tell him the real reason for it, I just made a mental note, like you do).

* I've heard from Pete again - he's put the date he's coming forward to February, so I've got that to look forward to. He's not being as enthusiastic as he was in his first email to me, but I guess that's because he decided to cool it off a bit when I didn't say "Yes! I will give myself to you now! I'm coming back into your arms!". But the fact he's coming over at all is a good sign.

I've also got some pics of me which I'll put up here at some point.

That wasn't a bad update, was it?

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I'll post more often in the New Year... I'll make that a resolution. Lots to talk about, so I'll update soon.

Pete wrote back. He says he's going to try to save some money so he can come over for a couple of weeks in the Spring. Bingo! I tried talking him round to getting a traveller's visa, but he's not sure about it yet.

I really don't want to promise anything to him, though - let's face it, I've got nothing to go on here yet, I'm not in love with the boy, and I could meet somebody amazing tomorrow. I wouldn't ask him to do this if I didn't think the whole thing was in with a shot, but... y'know. Don't you?

Equally good news:
* I've started jogging again. Not shifted the weight, but... at least I'm getting back into the routine.

* My freckles have faded a wee bit. My days of thick concealer may be partly over. I know it sounds like no big deal, but seriously, they were dark as fuck. Nothing pretty or dainty about them. I really don't think the ones on my nose and above my lips are going anywhere, but cute light ones I can live with.

* I'm covering in the newsagents. OK, it's not exactly like working for Reuters, but it's cash. And I'm not being asked for rent at my parents so that might mean I can come up to Brighton and start going out again soon.

Slowly it's all coming together.

Oh, screw you MSN, I wish you didn't exist...

I've just been talking to Pete, this guy I met when I was living in Melbourne for a bit. He was really sweet, very good looking in a "Mark Owen" kind of way, and not at all arrogant or vain, and had a brain the size of Mount Snowden. Really, really fascinating to be with, and I admit towards the end of my stay there I did find myself thinking of him in a different way. But here's how it is with travelling - you might have flings with people, but you don't get involved with them in a big way. Not if you know you're going to move on. And I couldn't have hurt Pete by making a move on him then dashing off, because he's one of those types who just doesn't do "flings" so far as I can tell. We had a big long chat about it one night.

Anyway, the MSN chat was going OK, and we talked for about an hour, said our goodbyes, and I thought "Aw... I wish something had happened between us". Then, about two hours later, I got an email saying:

"Hi Emily,
I really enjoyed talking to you earlier - I've missed you a lot since you left to go to Asia, and you being away from the Internet for so much of the time meant that I never really got a chance to talk to you properly. Not that I really think chatting on MSN is talking properly, but it's a lot better than the two or three quick phone calls we had in the whole time you were over there!
This is going to sound odd, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but a lot of what we said to each other then reinforced some ideas that I'd developed before you left. That is to say, I really wish we could have got together with each other. Now, I don't know how you really feel about me, so please don't freak out. It's just you're honestly the most astonishing, funny and attractive woman I've met in a long, long time, and I miss the talks we used to have where we would just lay everything on the line.
You're on the opposite side of the world to me now, of course, so what I say probably makes no difference at all, and it might all a wasted opportunity now, but if you ever did want to come back, I just want to let you know that I'd be over the moon to see you. And if you wanted to give it a go... well... I think you know where I stand.
Look, I know this is all a bit stupid of me, and I hope I haven't messed with your head in any way, but the ball's in your court."

God... I'm half-tempted to get a flight back over there next year just to see him, but I know damn well that I've got far too much to sort out over here. Shit shit shit. I'm going to have to email him back and talk him into visiting me over here - not promising anything, just telling him that I want to see him and we can hang out like we used to. I'm crap with writing stuff like this though... Oh well.

Excuse my language, but I'm bored out of my fucking skull. Seriously. I left this shitty little town when I got out of sixth form and went to uni, and that was in Brighton. Then I stuck around for a little while, then just disappeared abroad. We know what happened next.

If you haven't got money and all your mates have moved on, it gets boring being here. I spend most of my time on MSN talking to people I met when I travelled, and I really really miss them, but the problem is I've got to get myself some responsibility now. You can't keep moving on forever, doing odd jobs here and there. I've got to get on with my life now.

Being skint here is hard as well, because it's not like there's any free galleries or museums, or any decent shops to look around.

I've got to set myself some targets, so here's what I'm going to do:

* Start jogging and shift my new weight. My breasts are pretty *coughs* uh-huh right now, but so's my gut. And that's no good.

* Maybe start painting again. I haven't for years, but now's a good time while there's nothing else going on.

* Apply for AT LEAST ten jobs a week. It doesn't matter how shit they are, anything will do to start with.

So... better get cracking, then, hadn't I? *winks*

Well I saw the doctor and he's given me some pills for my clogged schnoz, and the most I can say is that I can actually breathe through it again, though it's whistling like a newly boiled kettle! Pretty embarrassing, but if I end up kissing a nice boy when I'm next out I suppose at least I can do it properly now without suffocating. Though chance would be a fine thing right now.

My sinuses have always been tempremental, but this is the worst they've ever been, and I wish I knew what caused it. I hate breathing through my mouth, it makes me look like a half-wit. And I don't like my "new voice" at all. Bah!

Been looking for work, and there's sod all. I'm at my parents right now in Littlehampton so there's not much out there, though I bumped into Roger yesterday, the guy who owns the local newsagent. I used to work for him when I was in the sixth form, way back when! He said if I wanted to fill in some time for him I could, and he'd pay me cash in hand. It's pretty easy work actually, so I might take him up on it. It only gets shitty when you have to work schooldays and deal with the kids coming in, but I can try and keep that to a minimum.

Anyway, must get on and email some friends.

Ch ch ch ch changes


It's funny, but since I've been back I've noticed so many friends give me weird looks and stuff. It's not that surprising, really. I have changed a lot behind their backs.

I've got older. That's a given, right? Over three years of working abroad, and I'm in my late twenties now. So I've got a few more lines. It happens.

I've put on weight. Quite a bit of weight. I was told that travelling and living on a budget slims the waistline, but that's crap. I've been out drinking and eating so much that my trousers kill me!

I've also changed my hair colour and style. I used to have blonde streaks, I got rid of them. They looked kind of unadult, so I'm pure brunette now.

And... I got freckles. Loads more. I've freckles to spare now! Don't believe me? Well, do. OK, I've always had them a bit. They're always there on my nose and above my lips, and on my chest and shoulders. But they used to be kind of faint, only being really visible in the summer, and now they're BOLD and DARK and they don't want to go. The ones on my nose and under my eyes are almost impossible to cover up now. It's insane! I saw an old friend on the train the other day, and he commented on my freckles before my tan, which is not what you want! Still, he said he liked them, and said that in a way I believed... ahem! So if I get any more responses like that, it's OK! LOL! Still though, it's a sign my skin's had waaaay too much sun.

On top of all that, my sinuses are killing me. Another thing I've always had trouble with, but for the last couple of months they've been so bad it's untrue. I spent most of yesterday and the day before totally breathing through my mouth, and talking in this nasal voice. "Hello, my name is Emily" comes out as "Heddo, by dame is Ebily". And don't talk to me about the headaches... I'm seeing my GP about it asap.